I decided to try out Devuan 32-bit on the laptop. The install took much much longer than expected and afterwards it didn't really work. I decided I'd try to initiate a network install from the install DVD, but the DVD wouldn't read. Turns out the optical drive's laser had died - it'll spin-up but that's it. I swapped out for another slim optical drive, but it wouldn't quite fit, then I realized the original one from the laptop was a slim *IDE* drive.
Well heck. I don't have any of those.